Return of Tales From the Real O.C. - The Bitch is Back
- posted by Legal Bitch @ 9:00 AM | Permanent Link

I haven't done one of these in a while, but I haven't gotten many complaints so I don't think most of you care. But dammit, I'll post what I want when I want!

So, to recap for those who have forgotten or have just joined us, these are stories from my bizarre upbringing in the REAL O.C. (Oconee County), usually starring my psycho father. He's a retired police officer, so most stories involve someone inciting violence or blowing something up, but this is a softer story...about my Dad's unconditional love for two gay bunny rabbits.

My Dad, while he would shoot a man in the face for less than you'd think, has a heart of gold when it comes to stray animals. He'd pick up dogs or cats off the side of the road or take a kitten from someone at work who was giving them away, and he'd bring the furry critter home and end up treating it better than he'd treat my mom. And sometimes, the animals came into our house through mine or my brother's doing. This was the case with the rabbits. My dad inherited one male rabbit from each of us (Thumper from my brother, and Clyde from me). And he loved those rabbits. And apparently, they loved each other.

I was in college when this happened, and I came home to pick up mail one evening, and Dad was freaking out about something. He grabbed me by the arm and said "Oh, you gotta see this." Never a good sign in our household. So he pulls me into my parents' room, and he's let both the bunnies out of their cages. They're hopping around, jumping in the air all happy and shaking their little tails when suddenly, Thumper takes off like a spark across the room and mounts Clyde and starts humping away. They separate, and Clyde chases Thumper across the room and starts banging on him. My dad is cackling and clapping, and turns to me and says "Aren't they cute doing that? It's their spring bunny mating dance! It must mean spring is here! Hop Hop Hop! HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!"

I had a moment where I could decide to hold back. But I didn't.

"Dad, your rabbits are boys and are doing it in the ass. Spear fishing for doo-doo sharks. Riding the pink torpedo. I hate to break it to you, but your rabbits are gay. And aside from that, this isn't like the groundhog popping out of it's hole and letting us know if winter's over - two rabbits doing it in the butt doesn't indicate the arrival of spring...I think." My dad's jaw dropped in shock. "They're both boys?" I replied, "Well, if they've been doing this all the time and you don't have little baby bunnies I'd hoped you'd have realized that by now."

He seemed slightly disappointed for a second until Clyde grabbed Thumper by the head, peed on him a little, and Thumper chased Clyde in the corner and started humping away with gusto in retaliation. Dad broke into hysterial laughter - "Your ass is grass now, rabbit! Get him good, boy!" My Dad's new pasttime was born - watching gay bunny rabbits chase each other around and take turns on pitcher and catcher. Clyde died a little over a year ago, and Thumper now humps one of my Dad's shoes in his memory. R.I.P. Clyde!