Wednesday, September 21, 2005
As I appeared to be taking quite a punishment at the pool tables this weekend, I had to explain something to Legal Bitch. You see, the thing is: I learned from the best instructional video of all time: Pool The Lee Majors Way.
Yes, the star of The Six Million Dollar Man and The Fall Guy knows more than just well-crafted acting skills. He knows pool. And he can teach it. However, his methods are more about getting the most out of your game than actual "skill" per se. If you also watched these videos, you'd learn lessons like:
Lesson 6: It is more important to make a loud sound than a skillful shot. No one wants to pot the ball like a wimp. But if you miss, at least it'll sound impressive.
Lesson 18: Get the most length you can out of your pool game. After all, you paid for it. So you don't have to sink one every time. Or even every tenth time. Enjoy it.
Lesson 22: If you accidentally make an outstanding shot, at least act like you meant to. Likely, no one will know the difference.
Lesson 57: Allow your opponent to take the lead. This will give them a false sense of confidence as they don't realize that slowly but surely, they are stacking physics and statistics in your favor. The more of your balls that are on the table, the greater the likelihood that you will sink one. Do this repeatedly to ensure a come from behind victory.
Lesson 93: Many people mess up on the final, crucial step. There is nothing wrong with the victory one achieves when your opponent scratches on the 8 ball. A "W" is a "W", my friend.
Lesson 117: Whistling is distracting.
Lesson 119: Keep putting that blue chalky stuff on the end of your cue, even if you don't know what it does. The pros all do it. It looks good. You might even want to put some of the other kind of chalky stuff on your hands too.
Lesson 254: Drink. A lot of piss poor skill has been passed off on alcohol consumption in the past. And it still can be.
I guess if none of that works, you can always just make up some fake instructional video that no one's gonna believe. That is, till they see it in action.
Man, I suck at pool.
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