Tales from the REAL O.C. - Reach out and Touch Someone
- posted by Legal Bitch @ 9:01 AM | Permanent Link

This isn't technically a story from the O.C., but I received a rather odd phone call from my father last night. Since he's over half deaf, he hates talking on the phone and usually only calls me if someone died or something is horribly wrong with my mother. This is our conversation:

Legal Bitch: "Hey Dad." Dad: (over awful howling noise in background) "Hey honey, listen I have a problem." LB: "What the hell is that noise?" Dad: "It's the dog." LB: "What's the matter with him?" Dad: "I think he might have nut cancer...there's a big tumor looking bump on his nutsac that feels hard and I when I try to get a good feel on it he starts howling and snapping at me." LB: "Well, Dad, wouldn't you cry and snap at somebody if they grabbed your nuts...wait a sec, are you grabbing the dog's nuts right now?" Dad: "Well yeah-look, I called because I need you to Google doggie nut cancer for me and see if you can find a picture or something, I can't hold the phone and his nuts and work the mouse at the same time, and you know we're still on dial-up so it'll take forever to download." LB: "Dad, if you're really concerned about the dog I suggest you take it to a vet and let them look at his nuts. I don't think either of us are qualified to diagnose canine testicular cancer over the phone." Dad: "So you not gonna look it up for me?" LB: "No, I'm not looking it up. Take him to the vet and they'll take care of it." Dad: "I'm just worried about his nuts-I can't have my boy out of action, you know what I mean." LB: "Dad, first off, that's gross, and second, that dog is 12 years old and hideously ugly, and all he does is sit outside in his doghouse and chew holes in our waterhose. I don't think he's been concerned with female dogs in a long time, and I feel very awkward talking about this with you. Is my mother there?" Dad: "No, she said the dog howling was giving her a headache so she went next door to your brother's." LB: "Wise woman." Dad: "What?" LB: "Nevermind. Look I gotta go, I have plans this evening." Dad: "What kind of plans do you have at almost 9:00 at night on a Thursday, young lady?" LB: "Dad, I'm 29 now, it's not the 1950s anymore, and I haven't lived in your house for almost 12 years, so I don't think it's really your business what I do at night, is it?" Dad: "Just asking, smartass. Look, I need to tell you one more thing before you go...I was talking with my buddy down at the bail bondsman place and I found another gun to buy for you." LB: "Dad, I didn't accept the first 3 pistols you tried to offer me, and what the hell are you doing hanging out at the bail bondsman place? Has something else happened recently that you need to tell me about?" Dad: "It's a .45 automatic Glock 30. It still has the power of the bigger Glock model but has a 13 round magazine, and is smaller and lighter, since I know you're concerned with recoil." LB: "Dad, while I'm glad you were thoughtful enough to try and pick out the Honda Civic model of the Glock line for me, I've told you repeatedly I do not want a weapon-I might end up shooting myself by accident or my roommate, and I need him for rent money. And also because I think having a gun makes a person, especially one from our family, overly paranoid and really scary to other people." Dad: "You've been around guns your whole life, where'd you get that idea?" LB: "Nevermind. Look, I really gotta go, but please, just let go of the dog's nuts and leave him alone for the night, don't buy me a gun, and I'll check in on you and mom this weekend sometime." Dad: (dog is still howling) "Well thanks a lot for nothing, smartass." LB: "Sweet Jesus help me, goodnight Daddy. Be nice to my mom, please." Dad: "What?"

I hung up in frustration and reminded myself that I have caller id for a reason. My father is a nutjob (no pun intended).