Thursday, May 15, 2008
In short, people liked it. So, what do hacks like us do when provided with a moderate amount of positive feedback - re-hash the same thing with less dedication. Voila: More of the most disturbing songs ever:
"If I Were A Carpenter" by Johnny Cash and June Carter Cash
Sample:
Johnny:
If i were a carpenter
And you were a lady.
Would you marry me anyway?
Would you have my baby?
June:
If you were a carpenter
and i were a lady.
I'd marry you anyway.
I'd have your baby.
"Would you have my baby?"... that's the thing that really does it. Otherwise, it's a love song that basically asks, "If I were poor, would you still love me?" Fair question. But the proposition and subsequent affirmation of baby-making is just odd - there's something very primal in that statement. Granted, it's not as weird as when Method Man suggested to Missy that they should "go halves on a baby", but I think he was joking. These folks sound - and apparently were very much - serious about the prospect. And the whole world had to hear about it. Seriously, take a look at that picture... they were great musicians, but leaving the baby-making out of the spotlight might've made sense. Just sayin's, all.
Video with creepy intro featuring glimpse into homelife:
"You Are Not Alone" by Michael Jackson
Sample:
"Just the other night
I thought I heard you cry
Asking me to come
And hold you in my arms
I can hear your prayers
Your burdens I will bear
But first I need your hand
Then forever can begin...
For you are not alone
For I am here with you"
Color me cheap for going back to the well here, but let's face it: Michael Jackson softly singing "You are not alone, for I am here with you" creeps everyone out. No one relates this song to a man and a woman in love. No one. Everyone thinks about the same thing when this song comes on: Macaulay Culkin. As much as his record company strove to make Michael Jackson romantic, it was never meant to be. And this single helps highlight that ultimate failure. Oh, and the public wasn't exactly clamoring to see Lisa Marie Presley semi-nude-ish either.
The video really is the most disturbing part. Unfortunately, the Google powers-that-be won't allow it to be embedded. So, soak it up here (even if you only watch the first 5 seconds, it will be worth it, trust me).
"Girls In Their Summer Clothes" by Bruce Springsteen
Sample
"She went away, she cut me like a knife
Hello beautiful thing, maybe you could save my life
In just a glance, down here on magic street
Loves a fool's dance
And I ain't got much sense, but I still got my feet
The girls in their summer clothes
In the cool of the evening light
The girls in their summer clothes, pass me by"
First thing's first: I dig the new Springsteen album. It's great. That being said, when an over-the-hill dude starts singing about "girls in their summer clothes", and it's accompanied by a photo of that man leering and dressed in an undershirt and being too old to have a soul patch (scratch that: no one should ever have a soul patch), there's only one thing that comes to mind in this day and age and that's stalking. Creepy, dirty stalking. Do I think Bruce is going all American Beauty on us? Hopefully not. But the song is what the song is. And Bruce, it's weird. Bonus points for working the name Shaniqua into the lyrics, though.
Bruce as a homeless beach bum stalking girls with a video camera:
"Don't Cha" by the Pussycat Dolls
Sample:
"I'd probably be just as crazy about you
If you were my own man
Maybe next lifetime (maybe next lifetime)
Possibly (possibly)
Until then, Oh friend your secret is safe with me
Dont cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me
Dont cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me
Dont cha, dont cha
Dont cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me
Dont cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me
Dont cha, dont cha"
According to Wikipedia, the Pussycat Dolls, "began as a dance troupe based in Los Angeles, was "re-cast" as a music group in 2003." To me, they've always seemed like desperate failed actresses stuck in behind-the-scenes positions (assistants, PR, talent reps, etc.) with a "why let all these young bitches get all the fame" attitude. So, they formed a group and used their connections to make a big single. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it. In any case, that desperation and stop-at-nothing-to-get-public-attention attitude bleeds over into that song like nobody's business. It just reeks of a girl so desperate for affection from anyone that she'll sell everything she is to get it. Guess what's not attractive? Psychotic desperation. Also, some of them look like trannies.
Feel the desperation of being not famous in your late 20's/early 30's in Hollywood (NSFW):
"Take Me To The River" by Al Green / Talking Heads
Sample:
"I don't know why I love you like I do
After all these changes you put me through
The sixteen candles burning on my wall
Turning me into the biggest fool of them all
I wanna know
Oh won't you tell me
Am I in love to stay?
Take me to the river
And wash me down
Won't you cleanse my soul
Put my feet on the ground"
In the commentary for the "Stop Making Sense" DVD, David Byrne says that this song seemed to combine the two disparate/strange elements of extreme religion and teenage sex. At first, I thought that Mr. Byrne was just being odd like always and that the song really didn't imply the latter element. In re-reading the lyrics, it kinda does. And those two things together equal disturbing. I don't have much more to add to the topic, and I'm sure y'all're all familiar with that song. Maybe this ruined it for you. Or maybe it made it better... weirdo.
Here's both versions:
(Al Green)
(Talking Heads)
Now, for a final bonus, here's Hassi's nomination from last time for creepiest video: Lionel Richie's "Hello". He basically just stalks a blind girl through a high school. I never thought the guy who was once known for dancing on the ceiling would haunt my nightmares (thanks for the suggestion Chris!):
That's all I got for now (and likely ever). Let me know what I missed.
Labels: Comedy, music, TDJ Originals
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